Why I'm better than most guys

I thought I would take some time to tell you why I am better than most guys out there. Now wait… I know most of you are thinking “I already know why you’re better!” but you may not know every reason, so I’m just gonna shine the light on a couple of quick facts. If you feel you might get offended then do not continue reading.

#1) I make over 50,000 a year. I make this amount in 10 months. I’m also off on snow days and Jewish holidays.

#2) I have a relevant college degree. Having a college degree already puts you above people that don’t have one, but in many cases a person’s degree is not relevant. By that I mean they can’t get a decent job with the degree they have. Sure it took me 7 years to get my degree, but I also worked full time for 2 years during college and took 1 semester off while taking only 2 classes for 2 other semesters. I’ve also earned enough credits to put myself on a higher pay scale when I started my job, hence my starting salary of over 50k.

#3) I am not/have never been in the military. I think it’s great that some people join the military, but I also view it as sort of a cop out. Almost as if the people couldn’t handle real life so they left only to come back a couple years later and be in the same position they were in when they left. Maybe if you went to college off the bat, you wouldn’t be a 24 year old freshman. I’m sure plenty of people have their reasons for joining, and if so…great job, I’m very happy for you.

#4) I don’t sell cell phones at the mall. Sure you dress up for work, but does it really matter? I don’t have to rely on selling sidekick III’s in order to have a “good week.”

#5) I don’t work at a restaurant/tend bar. My parents had a restaurant for about 20 years and they lived a tough life. They were there from the time it opened to the time it closed. They had to worry when their lease was up and the rent was raised, etc. It’s not a good life, and I have great hours.

#6) I’m not a server. This is probably one of the most tiring/frustrating jobs, and doesn’t really pay well. So you made $165 on a Friday night…you also lost your Friday night, and had to literally serve people. I’m a grown man, I don’t serve anyone…and I don’t rely on others generosity to make a living. I also hate it when “servers for life” complain about the service at other restaurants and then discuss how they would do it better…F off.

#7) I’m pretty funny. You might get offended by some of the things I say, but a lot of what I say is pretty funny (especially if you know me). I’m pretty entertaining to be around. I don’t know many people that wouldn’t want a fun filled life with me.

#8) Also coincides with the number of inches I’m packing if you were to round it to the nearest inch. I think I’ve said enough with that one.

#9) I look alright. There are plenty of things wrong with me (I will get to that later), but overall I’m alright. The intangibles shoot me up the ratings scale though. I’m also a shade under 6 feet tall, which is just about perfect. I’ve never really met a girl I wanted to bang that thought I was too short, and I’m definitely not too tall for anyone so there it is. I’m pretty well built too…nothing too crazy, but fairly well built.

#10) I come from a good family/loving home. My parents are still together (which statistically means my chance at a failed marriage is much lower), and my family is close. I’m also Greek and was going to give that it’s own category cause it’s much better than being from many different other places, but I will just add that to this.

#11) I don’t do drugs. I don’t smoke weed (I have done it a couple times in the past). I don’t do cocaine or shoot anything up (never have). I don’t take steroids (I have purchased them before, but I never ended up taking them cause I’m a vagina). I barely drink (I will have a couple drinks when I’m in the mood, but that is rare). I don’t smoke cigarettes (I’ve never even taken a puff).

Now a lot of you are already “hating” and are probably thinking of all the things that are wrong with me, so I will save you the hassle and go through everything myself.

#1) I have a large nose. It’s pretty wide. There are not bumps or hooks or anything like that…it’s kind of like a white version of 50 cent’s nose. Something like that… I could fix it if I wanted to, but I feel nose jobs are very noticeable and make people look stupid for life (like this one Persian waitress at Mama Lucia’s on Shady Grove).

#2) My hairline is receding at the temples. Both sides are going back. They started early, when I was about 20, but have stabilized so it looks like I will have hair for a while. I could also fix that, but I am not interested in doing so right now.

#3) I live at home with my parents and I’m 25. I also don’t spend money on almost anything. I’d be pretty confident in putting my savings account up against most peoples. I’m also an only child and will be inheriting everything, which may not be millions, but does include two homes in Greece and a good chunk. I’m hoping that does not happen for a very long time though, and we can still put those homes in Greece to use ya dig???

#4) I don’t have abs. It’s not too big of a deal, and I haven’t had them since I was about 14. Maybe one day I will have them (hopefully by next summer), but let’s be real… I don’t see it happening. I’m not fat by any means, but I don’t have visible abs.

That’s all folks…TELL ME HOW MY ASS TASTES